Heart Tug

Tonight I went to a middle school girls basketball game.  I drove to the game simply to watch the daughter of one of my FCA supporters play as her mom coached her. I got much more. I got nostalgic. It had been a while since I had been in a middle school gym. The size, the smell, the old wooden bleachers with proud moms and dads pretending to enjoy the game, referees learning as they go how to actually referee, the old clock and scorers table….it all just brought so much back. So many years ago I played a game I lived for in those tiny gyms, although they seemed huge at the time. I loved the smell of a gym and the squeeking of basketball sneakers on those hardwood floors. Little did I know then how far the game I loved so dearly would take me. I went on to excel in high school as a player and then college. I then did the only thing I knew that would keep me involved in the game and that was coach. I started at the high school level for 5 years…took some time off from teaching and coaching….refereed high school and college for 10 years…and then became a college Division I assistant coach for 8 years,and a Division II head coach for 7 years. From there I traveled as an assistant coach on 4 AIA National tours as well as an assistant on one international tour and a head coach on another. Along the way I did color commentating on the radio for a local college women’s team. Wow..all of that came flooding back to me as I watched this 7th grade girls team play.  Played, refereed, coached and broadcasted this wonderful game of basketball. And tonight I was watching this game as a person in sport ministry supporting a family who supports me. God is using this platform for His glory as He shows me how to impact athletes and coaches lives through the ministry of FCA. Even tonight my mind fluctuated from moments of coaching thoughts such as “oh, no..don’t throw a bounce pass at the top of the key” or “that was great defense” or “good pass!” to ministry moments such as  “that was a coaching opportunity for a positive reinforcement for that young lady by the coach”  or “this is such an opportunity to get into conversations with people as they see an FCA presence at their games.” It was interesting for me to catch my mind going from coaching mode to ministry mode while watching these young girls play.  My emotions were up and down as it brought remembrances of so many playing and coaching scenarios as well as acknowledging just how much I miss it all. But then my heart was tugged by my love for what God has called me to do now with all those years of experience and wisdom. With all my emotions from the evening I couldn’t help but be thankful for the joy I felt when I left the gym, got to my car, and realized that in a little over 1 year, God willing, I will be doing this ministry full time!  A ministry that I can use my love for my God and the love for the game to make an eternal impact in the life of an athlete, a coach, a referee, a fan, or a parent.  As I set in my car tonight, I thought about how my heart, my time, my energy has been divided in so many directions…mostly to my current full-time job. In a little over a year all that can be poured into the passion God has given me. Meanwhile, God continues to help me do what I can when I can do it. Tonight was one of those moments. Thankful.

 

The Cycle of LIfe

I stopped in to see my aunt in the nursing home tonight. I try to visit her once a week. Tonight I tried to talk myself out of it as I was tired from work and just wanted to go home. I couldn’t though, knowing how it pleases my aunt to have company even though with her dementia I’m not sure if she fully recognizes anyone. As I walked through the main entrance and the smells of a nursing home flooded my senses, the heaviness and stress of a day of work fades and life reality takes over. Approaching my aunts room, I could see she was not in her bed. I wandered over to the dining room. I glanced in to see her sitting up in a wheelchair, hands in her lap, her chair tucked in under the table top and surrounded by four other tenants who also were in wheelchairs. My aunt has never been a social butterfly so I know the fact she is sitting at a table in a wheelchair with women she doesn’t even know is in itself uncomfortable for her; let alone the physical condition she is in. I stood outside the doorway for a few minutes watching her, knowing she couldn’t see me. I smiled as I watched because I know it’s a big step for her to not have her meal in her room in bed. For her to be wheeled into the dining room to mingle with others is like a little girl in her first few days of school learning how to eat with the other little boys and girls for the first time. She was occupying herself with her hands in her lap, not making eye contact with any of the other diners. Some of them were not capable of conversation but the lady beside her was trying to say hello. My aunt lifted her head and smiled slightly. A conversation began that didn’t really have much structure to it. I watched a little longer, didn’t want to interfere with her meal or her conversation with her new found friend so I went on my way.  Punching the security code so that I could leave the building, I walked to my car in the crisp evening air. I sat in my car for a few moments staring, watching a squirrel scampering about to gather it’s food for the winter. I took a few minutes to gather myself, decipher my thoughts, speak a prayer, and express gratitude. The full cycle of life. It’s a gift. And it’s gone. What do we do with what we are given? Do we make an eternal impact? Has it been a life worth living? Search me and know me, Lord, lead me in the way everlasting. (Psalm 139)

Only Pray

Went for my daily “walk in the woods” this evening as I was too busy today to walk at noon. Didn’t really want to..my body is still sore in every possible place from my long days last week at work. But I knew I needed some quality prayer time as well as some fresh air from this beautiful Maine evening. A little breeze and no mosquitoes! Amazing how God shows up to meet with me when He sees I am intentional to meet with Him. It seemed like my mind was chaotic and my heart struggling as I began to speak out loud to the Father while walking up the hill to the woods path. Frustrated. Almost angry that the “only” thing I could do for someone I love dearly who is in a tough situation was to pray. Whether distance or other obstacles, I couldn’t be present to help, to provide encouragement, to lend a listening ear, to do whatever I could to make the struggle easier, to take the hurt away,  and to help correct the injustice of it all. Frustrated that the “only” thing I could do was pray. And then…I heard the voice within my spirit say, “why do you think the offering of your presence is bigger than prayer? Why would you put yourself in place of what God can do? Prayer IS all you can do so that as I hear your prayer I am able to  do all that I can do!”  God was telling me to release the circumstances to Him through prayer and realize that’s the GREATEST thing I can do. Why do we think that anything we have to offer is greater than prayer?!  Going before the throne of God and lifting up a loved one’s name and circumstances is a privilege, an inheritance that comes from knowing a redeeming God. God loves to hear our requests and He loves to rescue those whose names have been presented before Him. I can rest in knowing that He has this…as much as I want to I don’t need to be there but I do need to be obedient and do the “only” thing I can. PRAY and watch what God will do.

Enough

“I will never leave you nor forsake you.” Hebrews 13:5  And there are many other verses in scripture that tells me the same. He is always with me..He will never leave me.. Ok so how come I feel so alone?

It is when I come face to face with real life, when I have to confront the reality of my own aging process as well as watching my mom in the final seasons of her journey, that I sense how alone I am. I question God a lot in these moments (He’s o.k. with that by the way!)…Lord, why? Why did you choose not to give me a Godly man to walk this life out with? Recently, In the last few days, living life with my mom’s cancer,(even though my mom has me and my sister..how alone must she feel dealing with cancer for the 4th time?)  her sister dying, and the daily grind of work..I think how nice it would be to have a man with the  heart of God wrap me in his arms, hold me as he comforts me, and walks it all out with me. (Just typing that sentence makes me feel lonely)!

It’s when the struggles of life become more evident that my heart aches even more for a strong man in my life. I’ve lived a lot of life without one…for whatever reasons..focused on a profession, too independent, not putting myself out there, not attractive enough, not paying attention…for whatever the reasons..God has given me a life of singleness. And the loneliness of it is rearing it’s ugly face.

Lord, you’ve given me friends here, there and all places I’ve been…grateful for them all but there’s only a few that I trust completely with my heart. I’ve never really done relationships very well and maybe that’s why you have given me what you see as best for me…singleness. It may be best for me but it’s hard for me. To be honest, I’m tired of doing this all alone..yet, I know you’re there, Lord, you meet me when I run to you and even when I don’t. You comfort me when I feel so abnormal and when I recognize that even brothers and sisters in Christ don’t really know what to think of me because I’m still single.

There’s still hope, I suppose..with You, all things are possible. I’m someone who loves deeply and maybe that in itself is why. Would I put someone ahead of you, Lord?  I have no distractions to love You deeply now, Lord…my focus and devotion is to You…and yet, I still struggle with that devotion sometimes.. But I do know all I can do is trust. Trust You. Trust Your plan. Trust Your purpose. It’s hard, Lord..particularly right now. It’s very hard. BUT You are the greatest Love of all and your Grace is sufficient. You have never left me and you have never forsaken me. That has to be enough. It has to be.

Failure = Success (God’s Math)

I woke up this morning (first praise report!) feeling somewhat discouraged, lonely, burdened and defeated.  I wanted to stay in bed for awhile but knew that if I did, I would dwell on those thoughts. I’m doing better at listening to the Holy Spirit’s tug to get up and go directly to study and prayer. One of the first questions I posed to God was, “Lord, I don’t seem to be walking out the victorious life as I should be…why?” Well, I had skipped a Jesus Calling devotion a few weeks back so decided to go back to that date before I started reading today’s message.  Yup, delayed devotion resulted in an “on time” answer!  First sentence of the week-old reading…”You can achieve victorious life through living in deep dependence on Me.”  Hmmm..coincidence?  I think not. Next question..”Lord, it just seems like I fail so often.”  Next sentence in the message..”It is through problems and failure, weakness and neediness that you learn to rely on Me.”  Wow…why do I think victory with success is NOT failing,  NOT stumbling or NOT making mistakes? That’s actually when the victory begins to happen! It’s a faith walk, taken one step at a time, leaning on Him as much as I need. There will be failures, mistakes, but as my heart continues to pursue Him in it, there will be growth, nourished by continual reliance on Him. So victory comes from failure…learning from each life lesson that my dependence on Him deepens as I develop the trust that He is faithful. This morning, as I pray through the lonliness and the lies of the enemy, my spirit senses peace…the peace in knowing that God is intervening on my behalf, that His sovereignty is in the timing, and knowing that the more I trust Him in what I perceive is my failure, the more He can empower me in the next storm. Psalm 56:3-4

Frailness of Life

frail·ty

ˈfrāltē/

noun

noun: frailty

1.

the condition of being weak and delicate.

“the increasing frailty of old age”

The frailness of life. I enjoyed Thanksgiving this year with my precious 88 year old mom and my sister. We went to a restaurant of my mom’s choice as we have done in the last few years so that she can get out to “see more people”. Most of her friends have passed on and, although she’s a very private person, she enjoys seeing how the rest of the world lives. As we sat down at the table,  my mom sat beside me in the corner of the booth-style cushioned seats. She had a nice blue blazer and blouse on with her pearl necklace and a full length skirt. She looked nice but, oh so petite and tiny. It was then I began to notice how frail she was. Delicate. She seemed to be swallowed by the corner of the booth she was sitting in. She is a tiny stature of a  woman but she has the heart and diligence of a warrior. She shovels snow, mows her lawn, cuts down trees and hauls brush. That’s the physcial strength. Emotionally she has persevered through deaths of her parents, two sisters, her husband, and at this point in her life, all of her friends. Not to mention two bouts of cancer. Now, she can be challenging sometimes in her moods and attitude towards things, but she has met life and all it’s struggles head on and done it mostly by herself. Physically, my mom is 5’1″ and doesn’t weigh a whole lot. Frail in physique maybe, but  inner strength = far bigger than life. She’s made it the last 44 years, alone. Her husband of only 25 years left her as a widow for more years than they were married. She’s a survivor. Her heart is soft for the downtrodden..both humans and animals. But frail? As the definition goes…”the increasing failty of old age”…well, maybe so.  But my mom is my hero. What she’s been through and made it through is the “wind beneath my wings”.  Now on the other hand, the frailness of life is something we all face every day. We have victories, joys, losses, and struggles. Sometimes the losses in our lives can be overwhelming in moments of solitude. Some days my heart weeps for days and memories gone by. How we choose to move on determines our future. I have watched my mom choose to persevere through every sad moment in her life. I pray for that same strength in how I move forward every day.

Need: Something that is Necessary

“Lord, I don’t need this right now.”  A phrase that I may have just learned never to use again!  Gonna try to make a long story short here. Two days before I was going to be taking a trip to New Hampshire for an FCA staff reload event, my car decided to have a flat tire. No big deal. Called a tow with my AAA. As the tow driver was backing up to my car, I noticed the prong lift was not lowered all the way to the ground. Unfortunately I didn’t notice in time. The driver impaled my car! The prongs went through my radiator and my air conditioner. Now I had a much bigger problem. “Lord, I don’t need this right now”.  Got towed to the garage…major damage, parts would take some time to get..going to need a rental car for New Hampshire. Good thing is..the tow driver’s company paid for everything. But still, a little stress that “I didn’t need”.  The morning I was to leave for my trip as I got into my new rental car I received a phone call from my landlord saying he had not received my rent check that I had sent out two weeks before that. Again, “Lord, I don’t need this right now”. Ended up paying $30 to close the check out that I couldn’t seem to find. Upon my return from New Hampshire, my landlord called to say he had found the check in his desk and to relieve the stress that he caused he told me to double the cost of the fee and deduct from the next month’s rent check. Great news…as I needed that extra money! Also…my mechanic told me as I picked up my repaired vehicle that my radiator and air conditioner were both corroded and within a couple of months I would have had to buy those items out of my own pocket but instead due to the “accident” someone else paid for it all.  Hmmmmm. So when we say “Lord, I don’t need this right now,” when we find ourselves in stressful circumstances, who are we to think we don’t need something? God is in control of everything. He saw my need of a new radiator and air conditioner. Saw my need for the $60 saved in rent. And He met those needs..in His way and His timing. He knows my needs much better than I do. Romans 11:36 says, “For from Him and through Him and to Him are all things. To Him be the glory forever.”

Heart of Gratitude

I haven’t written a blog in a while. It’s been busy and a little too cold to go for my walk. It’s just before Thanksgiving and I’m compelled to sit in gratitude for all the emotions my heart is sensing from this time of year. My home is warm, cuddled up on the sofa, studying and praying to the Giver of all the blessings.  The list:  First and foremost, Salvation..the rebirth of my heart and soul from sinner to saint..in God’s eyes.. as I commit to following Jesus and His teachings. Then my family, my health, my friends…I could touch upon each of these gifts from Him but today my heart is missing people in my life as I thank God for them. I miss my Dad…a gentle man who died way too young. He loved this time of year as he loved to hunt. Always got a deer too. Hence, my love of venison. I personally could never shoot such beautiful creatures but they sure taste good! So many memories of my dad…called me “Chick”, always wore khaki pants with a plaid shirt and his Boston Red Sox cap. He occasionally smoked a pipe filled with the sweet aroma of cherry tobacco! I loved playing “catch” with him. He had played AAA baseball but had severed his thumb in a sawing accident so struggled a little catching the ball in his later years but was still always up for throwing the ball around. I’ve lost some friends in my life to death as well..a precious friend to a plane crash when I was in high school and a wonderful guy who had leukemia. There are friends as well who have come in to my life and, as life goes, moved on. There’s a couple I miss every day…my heart sometimes is overwhelmed by missing the moments of fellowship that meant so much. Time changes things….Life is what it is  and today I feel blessed and thankful that there is a Friend who never leaves us nor forsakes us. He loves me unconditionally. I can go to Him anytime. He listens, answers, comforts, gives me strength to go on and is my Hope.  I will always cherish those who God has placed in my life but I know they are for a season. Some I will hold close to my heart for eternity.

“Gratitude unlocks the fullness of life.
It turns what we have into enough,
and more.
It turns denial into acceptance,
chaos to order,
confusion to clarity.
It can turn a meal into a feast,
a house into a home,
a stranger into a friend.
Gratitude makes sense of our past,
brings peace for today
and creates a vision for tomorrow.”

~ Melody Beattie

Details

This blog may be a little longer than my other ones simply because it’s all about “details”.  Some people would say I am a very “detailed” person.  When I coached, my players would definitely have agreed that I was way too detailed! I’m someone who, to use all the catch phrases, likes to dot my I’s, cross my T’s, cover all my bases, etc. to make sure everything that needs to be in place for excellence is, indeed, in place!  So…today when I went for my “walk in the woods” I decided to try to pay attention to every little detail of my walk. It was so beautiful today that I wanted to take every thing in!  Here we go:  Sun warming every sore joint in my body; pine needles floating lightly to the ground giving the bike path an “orange” glow; the trees, oh so still, until a small breeze comes along to release the multi-colored leaves that seem to hurry to the earth compared to the hesitancy of the pine needles; the rustling, crisp, brittle noise of those leaves as I walk through the blanket they have created; a perfectly coiffured  3-tone color furry caterpillar moving slowly along; a butterfly or two still hanging around flutters by; the simple fragrance of fresh air; a chipmunk almost within arms length scooting around gathering up his winter stash; a runner..a real runner…sprints past me; a little sparrow perched on a branch tilting her head back and forth to see what kind of a threat I might be; pine cones scattered about with the aroma of Christmas trees; grasshoppers, with seemingly no sense of direction, bouncing off my knees; the awareness that I am not alone; the majesty of His handiwork cries out to me in praise. As I’m taking every detail in and savoring it, God’s word comes to mind. Romans 1:20 “For the invisible things of Him from the creation of the world are clearly seen by the things that are made; even His power and eternal glory so man is without excuse.”  God…the creator of ALL details!

“Thorn”

Haven’t written on my blog in awhile simply because I haven’t been able to go for a “walk in the woods” lately. Too much going on at work has kept me busy even during my “lunch breaks”.  Frustrates me sometimes…actually lots of times. Ever get those pity parties where you begin to hear your own voice saying “you’re being taken advantage of”, “I’m tired of doing all the work and getting paid so very little”, etc. etc? Well, as I was walking today, I began to feel a small pebble in my shoe that just kept moving around and being annoying. I really couldn’t take it out until I found a spot to STOP, SIT DOWN, AND TAKE A MOMENT to relieve the pain by disposing of the pebble. Ok..I know you see the spiritual analogy here even before I begin!  I just love how God says that very same thing to my heart as I’m walking along trying to walk comfortably even though the pebble seems like it’s becoming a boulder! (Again…you’re getting ahead of me!)  I sensed God smiling at me as I was getting the whole thing!  The small things in life that irritate us can become big things if we don’t STOP, SIT DOWN, AND TAKE A MOMENT. That scenario would look as it did today as I soon found a bench to slow down, stop and remove my shoe to dump that pesky little pebble before it became a bigger pain! Putting my sneaker back on, I continued on my way free of any more irritation that might slow my progress.  Lord, may we be willing to beckon to your voice as you call to us to stop. To sit a moment (or longer) with you. That we might then continue on free of that which would hinder us. Continually thankful.